The problem is, my tears have vanished.

 "The problem is, all my tears have vanished", I whispered to the window,    

The bus drifted on, soundlessly as modern buses do,

Making soft whispers loud enough to be overheard,

From the corner of my eye, I saw my co-passenger turn, scornful

What a problem of privilege they must be thinking

When the absence of a problem becomes a problem.

 

The world outside the window moved  unhurried, unperturbed,

Unconcerned if my view caught a run-down house or a luxurious tree,

This vista would not judge me, I gulped thoughtfully, hopefully?

I am just a minuscule speck, imperceptible and so unimportant,

 I whispered once again, the sound barely escaping my lips,

After all, wouldn't life hear soundless words that were unsaid?

 "The problem is, my tears have vanished," I messaged life,

 Life listened quietly and kept running, not stopping to ask why

Just kept pushing one landscape after another, in a hurtful hurry.

As if it were important that the movie was played to the last frame,

As if every frame was really an exciting part of the latest game,

Had life listened? I wish it would tell me, let me know!

I closed my eyes into the swirling world that resided in me,

Always surging to overflow from my brim, but never allowed,

Spewing a dangerous, potent concoction of past and present,

My heart would have to listen to me; it had no choice?

My heart would not ignore me; it will have to bear my cross?

The thoughts seeped from my mouth to that hidden core, my heart.

"The problem is, my tears have vanished.' I touched my heart,

Maybe it was pain that drenched my words as they rushed to escape?

 Maybe it was the curiosity of a bottled soul wanting to feel the strange?

The storm within stopped, dissolved into a waiting, welcoming silence,

Encouraged, I let my thoughts flow  unstoppable, unbounded,

And out burst the tale, the tale of the loss of my tears.

When I was little, she was my universe, a warm hug,

That  gave me a sense of how much I could stretch safely

When I tried to stretch into danger, her hug would tighten,

When I craned to stretch in wonder, her embrace would loosen,

Giving me the space to squirm and expand, within the embrace,

But she never let me feel the limit of the hug around me

 

As I grew older, she learnt that her universe, too, had to expand with mine

The warm hug became a ring of light within which we could move and dance,

She followed my step when I felt the need to experiment, however crazy it was,

She laughed with me as we fell and held out her hands to pick me up again.

But when she sensed that I was at a loss for a sequence, she always added a step or 2

Till I found myself able to lead again and celebrated my power to do that.

 

Then the time eventually came when my universe split from hers,

She quietly let go, but cleverly created a tunnel from mine to hers,

She always let her door open, even when I slammed it shut,

Adding the signboards with subtle lights that would lead to it in the dark.

The tunnel was mine to reach for  whenever I needed to go back,

And rush back I did many times through the tunnel into her warm embrace.

Time flew as it is always known to do, taking in its wake my day,

One day, poised on my tiptoes,  I stood at the door of my universe,

Craning my neck for the next big opportunity, the next fantastic success,

A slight shuffle at my door, and I saw her,  having walked  the tunnel

Her footsteps were tired,  her breath ragged, her face worried, face anxious,

She lifted her gaze with the question, Could she find space in my universe?

 

I quickly pulled her into my universe, merging both universes again,

Recreating from hers the way I could, from what I remembered,

When this was not enough, I pulled her into my ring of light,

Gently creating a path for her to follow my step if she wanted,

Letting her know that my feet will move only in a measure of her stretch,

She sometimes moved forward with tiny steps, each step a victory for both.

When her steps faltered and started to give way, I pulled her into my embrace,

In the tight circle, I felt her every breath, every gasp, every smile, every grimace, every sigh

Each morsel she ate or could not eat, each tremor that shook her, each needle that entered her body,

But I did not feel, find or see a single tear, 

As I was fighting for her, she was fighting for me, for my peace,  for the present,

To make every moment I had with her a moment of joy, of beauty, of wonder, of hope.

 

Today, as I kneel in despair at the door of the only universe I have left,  I realise this.

Mama,  even at the very end, I never held you; I did not pull you into my universe

It was you, as always, who architected my senses; it was you who always held me,

 All the tears you didn’t give me; from where will I get them amma?

All my tears that you absorbed into your being, where did they vanish amma?

And so the problem is "The problem is, my tears have vanished.'

The silence of the inner storm  lingered for a moment in silence before resuming,

The tapestry of life outside the window nodded its acknowledgement and moved on,

I turned back to look inward and find my co-passenger’s hands on mine.

And before I knew it, a single tear rolled down my face.

I thank you for that precious tear amma.